oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
