Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
