Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
