Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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