i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
