fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
