I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
only you would photoshop your dick
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
