Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
