I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
