Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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