I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
