Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
