I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I am one with the molecules
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
