That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
