actually, I'm a sock model
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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