I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
