I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
