why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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