I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
