mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
