I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
