I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
