There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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