Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
