i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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