So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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