saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it's like iHOP with fire
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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