im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
