May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
