so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
