if you like me you must not know who I am
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
