I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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