I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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