Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
