i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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