i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
