You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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