Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
