I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
