I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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