my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
