I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
