She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
