Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
