I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
