We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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