DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
