She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
