Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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