I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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