omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
