She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
