I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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