The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
