Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
thus making me awesome and them whores
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
we're so committed to being not committed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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