You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
