I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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