Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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