Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
