i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
